“When are you going to join the church and become a member?” 

            I can’t tell you how many times I’ve answered that question over the past year.   Each time I tried to smile and give a polite answer, sometimes I’d even make a joke.   However, inside I was thinking, “I’ll take membership classes when pigs fly.”   Along with that thought came the sick feeling this was the last thing I ever wanted to do. 

            It wasn’t that I didn’t like the church we were attending.   Over the past year, I’ve come to love the people and feel very comfortable there.  My brother and I have been actively involved, and I know that this is where God wants us to be at this time in our lives.  Still, the thought of membership aroused panic buttons in my spirit.   Even after my brother made the membership commitment, I chose to avoid the issue like a dreaded disease.  

           Then the Holy Spirit decided to point His spotlight toward an area of my heart that I didn’t even know was broken.    Through a series of circumstances, there was a minor conflict that led me to my knees.    I was looking for a solution to a problem, but the Holy Spirit was using this situation to lance a callous on my heart and bring healing so that I could move forward.  Although I was praying for 3 simple steps on conflict management, God intended for me to take a trip down memory lane to heal some scar tissue from my childhood.

            You see, I was almost 5 years old when my Mom became a born again Christian.   A few months later, my Dad answered an altar call and became very active in our local church.   It was very exciting for both of them to have a church family.   Mom was very enthusiastic about studying the Bible and loved to share everything she learned.   Dad got busy in the church, and it wasn’t long until he was on various boards and committees.   This honeymoon phase lasted until I was about 7. 

           Then the church had a nasty split.   Because I was a child, I am still unclear as to all of the details.   On the other hand, I have vivid memories of friendships ending as people took sides.   I remember hate mail arriving at the home of one of my Mom’s friends from someone who disagreed with her.   Children we played with were no longer allowed to talk to us because of differing opinions.    Some people went to other churches while others stayed to fight to the bitter end.   As a little girl, I got a front row seat to the action.   After seeing that brutal battle, and many more church conflicts over the years, I acquired a defense mechanism that said, “Don’t get too close---eventually, things will get ugly.”

            The funny thing is that I didn’t realize I had these feelings until that day in my prayer closet.    After years of one fight after another, my family did change churches and during my teenage years I was exposed to a very positive, functional church environment.      Although I knew intellectually that our first church was not a normal, healthy church, the little girl inside of me still had irrational fears based on that experience.  

When the Holy Spirit made me aware of these issues, it was time for me to make a choice.   Was I going to allow my past experiences to keep me from following God’s path into the future?   Or would I face my past, forgive the people involved, and be an overcomer as I walked into the future? 

Well, on November 21, 2011, I completed my membership classes and was officially welcomed as a member of our new church.   Although this may sound like a silly story to some, for me, this was a major victory as I decided that my memories, my past, and my fears would not stop me from following God’s will for my future. 

You may be wondering why I told you this story.   No, it wasn't to boost church membership.   Instead, I want to encourage you to ask yourself, “As I begin 2012, what is determining the course of my future?   Do I have issues from my past that are keeping me from God’s perfect will for my life?   If my past is the GPS for my life, why am I allowing it to choose my life’s direction?”

This is an issue that all women struggle with in one form or another.   Recently, a woman told me, “It’s hard for me to make myself vulnerable to other women because I’ve been hurt so many times before.”  

Other women allow past failures to keep them from trying anything new again. 

Some women have such shame from their childhoods, from abuse, or from words that were insensitively spoken to them, that they spend their adult lives trying to prove they are good enough to be accepted.   You see it in the workaholic who obsessively pursues her career to prove that she’s successful no matter what people said she would be.  You can see it in the eyes of the woman who always needs to look perfect because someone told her she was ugly.   This drive can be found in the homemaker who can never allow herself to relax and enjoy life because she needs to prove that she’s valuable and her life is meaningful. 

The world, and the church, are filled with women who hear voices telling them:

“You’re stupid.”

“You’re no good.”

“You’re ugly.”

“You’ll never amount to anything.”

“You’re a troublemaker.”

“You’re the black sheep of the family.”

“You were an accident.”

And on and on the story goes.   Past mistakes.    Past failures.   Past experiences. Past relationships.    These are the things that are bogging women down and keeping them from becoming all that Jesus intends for them to be.   They stand like road blocks impeding our progress down the road of life.